Advice – especially if it smacks of criticism – or even not – is hard to take. Why do we feel so impelled to give it?
I learned a few years ago when I was in training as a crisis line volunteer that people really don’t want advice. Even, sometimes, when they ask for it.
We especially find it hard when the answer is so apparent and simple that we cannot understand why we can’t give it.
The psychologist who was doing the training told us -
She said, “If we thought that giving advice would help anyone, we would be the first to tell you to do it. You must start with the premise that no one wants advice.”
The second piece of instruction she offered is to never ask a “Why?” question.
The only answer to a why question is that it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Most people who confide in you just need to be kept afloat. To be heard. To be offered a kind ear. No one changes a life situation until they are ready. And, when they are ready, they do it.
This applies to us too. We can mull over a problem for a long time and then suddenly – we get it. It is like a “click.” Then we move so fast to solve it that it is like a volcano erupting. When we are done, we are so done! Gone. That person who has been tormenting us or that situation that seems so desperate is history. And we don’t have second thoughts or even look back.
There were a few exceptions of intervention on the crisis line. We were to take action immediately if a child was in danger. We had a special signal to alert our supervisor in this case and we were to keep the person on the telephone long enough for the police to trace the call and to send help. We were to try to find out where the child was in the meantime.
The other instance was a suicide call. What was interesting is that people did not call and say directly, “I am going to commit suicide.” Most of them alluded vaguely that life is too hard, or they have nothing to live for. They talked around the subject.
On the crisis line, the psychologist said we were to confront the person who was calling directly and loudly with the statement, “I DON’T WANT YOU TO KILL YOURSELF!”
We are all afraid to say that dreadful word “suicide” to anyone because we feel maybe they are not saying that – perhaps we have misunderstood – maybe we are giving them an idea they don’t have. She said, NO. They already have the idea. Whether we are on a crisis line or in your personal life, you have to confront it directly.
Sometimes this confrontation is shock enough to stop someone. There is something about the statement that is sobering to say the least. They will back off.
But, most of the calls on the crisis line were from people who were unhappy. Most of our friends who confide in us are just unhappy too.
They trained us in what they called active listening. To repeat back to the person what they have just said to us in our own words. For example, “What I am hearing you say is that you are unhappy with —-“ And then, just hear them out.
The training I got from that crisis line has been invaluable in many areas of life. It has made me a better life coach, friend and mother.
We all usually have our own answers within us. The psychologist is right. They and we – may ask for advice but we don’t want it.
By letting people talk to us, by finding someone who will hear us out, we are helped and help others to find our way. Our own way.
My friend, Michael, sent me his version of the famous Serenity Prayer.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know it’s me.”
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Good ADVICE, Corinne! I’ll take it!
Corinne, I love how you know that we will each find out own way…. So true…
Corinne, this article is so full of wisdom. As you said, those of us you need it will hear it when we are ready to act on it and only then. My sister taught me not to give advise years ago, but not until I was ready to hear it. My sister was always calling me for advice but she never acted on what I told her to do. I found myself getting angry at her for not taking the advice that she asked for.
One day, I looked at why I was so angry at her. When I did, I realized what you said above. Even though she was asking, she didn’t want my advice. All she wanted was for someone to listen to her. When I started listening and stopped giving advice, our relationship changed. My sister noticed the change right away and wasn’t sure she liked it at first. Today, she still asks for advice because she wants someone else to be responsible for her decisions. I won’t take on that responsibility. It isn’s mine. I put the ball back in her court by asking her what she wants. Our relationship is no longer anger filled. We relate as two women on equal ground rather than as older sister taking care of baby sister. Much healthier for both of us.
As Reed said, good advice.
I’m not sure what it means for writing posts on my blog. I’m thinking about this.
Corinne – thank you for this post. You’re so right; we try to give advice but it can’t be accepted until they’re ready. We can only be the signposts with a good ear to listen.
Also, I liked Michael’s version of the Serenity Prayer. When we look within ourselves and change, the world seems to change around us. It happens from the inside out not the outside in.
Well, that was very INTERESTING Corinne, especially after a well meaning friend recently offered me unsolicited advice, taking me aback. It was in regards to a video I had done and her words were sharp and unexpected, especially becuase it was from a long-time friend and supporter who never really spoke like that.
While I may not have wanted her unsolicited advice, it did make me think hard and in fact, it planted a seed for what I intend to do going forward with new videos at my blog. While I didn’t agree with her 100 percent, she dig help me give birth to some ideas – particularly in reference to the idea of getting a new camcorder – soemthing I had been dilling dallying for a while. Her sharp “constructive criticism” actually spurred me on to taking hte next step that I wasn’t sure I was going to do.
It’s like what you said earlier – when a person is ready to make a change, he/she willl do it. No one can do it for you.
Anyway, very thought provoking article, indeed. I’m stumbling this for ya!
Stephen’s comment reminded me of an Al-Anon saying that I have learned to apply to advice. “Take what you like and leave the rest.” I have found that advice comes down through the other person’s filters and is sometimes more about them than it it about me. Sometimes it just comes from a place of jealousy of which the other person may not even be aware that they are feeling. Sometimes, like Stephen, I do take some of the advice to heart and see where it can help me change or improve what I am already doing. If I can understand where the other person is coming from, it helps me to understand them better not from a place of judging but from a place of discernment.
Corinne:
And I want to add more of what Patricia is saying. It is difficult to discern, at times, where someone is truly coming from.
Are they “well meaning” but misguided friends who are really froming from a place of jealousy or envy?
Or are they truly speaking the truth, the kind that we all need to hear from time to time, to keep our feet firmly planted in the ground and stay real?
We all know how sometimes when people rise to the top of whatever field their in, sometiems they find themselves surrounded by “yes” people. No one wants to say anything for fear of incurring another person’s wrath, possibly losing their jobs.
So, how can you tell? That’st he key. Interesting, isn’t it?
Dear Reed, Michelle and Evan -
Thanks for your comments and for taking my advice! It does not happen often.
Evan, I do not know what this has to do with your blog but if you ponder the question, it will come to you.
As Michelle said, “we will all find our own way.”
Dear Pat -
I loved that version of the “Serenity Prayer” too! It puts the responsibility on the main person involved. US!
Dear Patricia -
Your story about your sister is inspiring and so typical. In addition to the fact that people in our life do not listen when we say the obvious – “Get rid of that bum!” or “Quit that job!” – they drain the energy we need to make our own important decisions.
But, just listening does change the relationship. I remember my son Alex commenting when I just listened to a problem he had. He said, “Mom, what’s going on with you? I want to know what you think!”
Stephen said -
Well, that was very INTERESTING Corinne, especially after a well meaning friend recently offered me unsolicited advice, taking me aback. It was in regards to a video I had done and her words were sharp and unexpected, especially becuase it was from a long-time friend and supporter who never really spoke like that.
I WROTE THIS ARTICLE AFTER READING THAT ADVICE TO YOU ON YOUR BLOG!
It touched a raw nerve with me. There is such a thing as constructive advice – especially since you asked for it on your blog.
She was just plain mean. There is a nice way to say things.
And you always start with pointing out the good stuff!
Nobody messes with my friends!
PS to Stephen -
The good thing is that you are getting some new equipment for your videos.
But you had already thought about doing it and even mentioned that in some of your copy previously. I don’t think that sharp remark really did it!
And more to Patricia and Stephen -
It is hard to figure out other people’s motivations. It could be envy, jealousy, or just plain inability to speak in a diplomatic way.
There is a famous quote from A Course In Miracles. “You are never upset for the reason you think.”
Could be that something else is going on with the person who speaks so sharply and inappropriately to us.
Good article, Corinne. When I want advice, I usually call my sister and say, I need to run something by you and want your input. My sister listens and gives her advice and then I take what I want from that advice and make up my own mind. Sometimes we just need to vent.
Corinne, I get the “click” thing. As you and I always talk about – Awareness first. In my life, I have had a history of … when the lights go on – they go OOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN for me and I then move so fast its scary. I know the real truth is that I did not want to face the real truth so I would lie to myself and then something would happen, like a cup spilling over where I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I can totally recall the exact times these light bulbs came on for me. Then it was over and I would go into immediate action probably more like reaction. Usually scaring hell of out the person who had been playing games with me for so long that they simply did not expect my sudden outrage. Surprise, surprise!!! An ex-husband comes to mind. I HAVE to take immediate action once I stop lying to myself. I think the real tragedy is becoming fully awake and then living with it because you are afraid of confrontation. So many people are afraid of confrontation that they are willing to sell their souls rather speak up and face the issues. (I remember a big CEO of a Fortune 500 company scared to death of his secretary). For me, I’d rather just take it head on and get it over with … Of course, it may take me 20 years to admit my lies… or wake up. Sometimes it’s just survival and sometiems it’s sheer laziness. One of the many joys of getting older is that frankly now, I just don’t give damn about most things. I choose my battles better these days and have taken to laugh aloud at the human and inhuman condition. Brilliant advice Corinne!! I’ll take it.
Advice. I used to have a rule: all advice unasked for is bad advice. It is still a pretty good rule. What you were discussing fit that rule perfectly. When I was working on a degree in counseling, I was amazed at how quickly I wanted to give advice to clients, but how utterly inappropriate it seemed, even to me as I was then. It was so much more powerful to listen, reflect, ask questions when needed, and take action in those few instances when action was called for (suicide being #1). Great article, Corinne! Keep ‘em coming.
Thanks, Tom -
Your evaluation of my articles is important to me. Your writing is much more esoteric than mine so when you approve, it gives me confidence!
Listening is the key to it all. It is what we need. I bet, even you!
I read every one of your excellent articles with great attention!
Dear Grace -
I love your extensive comments. You are a wonderful communicator.
I just hope I never get on your bad side. I will try hard not to!
This is an important quote from your comment -
“So many people are afraid of confrontation that they are willing to sell their souls rather speak up and face the issues.”
You are so right about that!
Hi Corrine,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have learned so much from your articles.
Perhaps that’s how people find the answer in their meditation.
I think we probably give advice because it makes us feel good about ourselves to give it.Not because it makes the recipient feel good.
I so agree, Corinne. Even when I ask for advice (which doesn’t happen often) I am fully aware that I’ll listen to what they have to say and do what feels right for me anyway. The only person whose advice I would take more seriously than others’ would be my husband’s, since everything I do will have such a direct effect on him.
Ha! Great advice. Very timely. I’m afraid I’m a total advice-giver.
Hi Travel Betty -
Glad to see you in on the conversation!
Have to admit that advice is my habit also. Most often with my kids.
Even though I realize nobody listens much. They are polite, even agree – and then they do what they want anyway!
Corinne – You will never get on my bad side – Those people were grand-fathered (grand-mothered) in before I learned to take better care of myself. And actually ask the important questions, like “What’s in it for me?” … “Why should I?”.
and my favorite “So what” – which isn’t even a question.
Over and gone is the sick and twisted and suffocating religion of my childhood where I was taught that there really was no ME. Guess what? It’s all about me now – first – and then I can give – not the other way around. How much I have learned in “My Treatment” with you – ahhhh, if only you were Gabriel Byrne…. at least you’re Irish. And we laugh our heads off. What could be better than laughter?
Often listening is worth so much more than advice. Now if only I could remember to take my own advice…