You have a big problem.
You just got “downsized? (Fancy word for fired)
After seven years, your lover just told you he loves you but “is not in love with you” anymore. (Would someone explain that to me?)
A loved one is ill. Or you.
(add your problem here)
Everyone has advice. And even if you ask for it, you are not following any suggestions.
Many self help gurus tell you – stop whining. Just get back on the bus. Keep busy.
I know a woman whose mantra is “busy.” She claims it solves everything.
Here is a conversation she had with me on the telephone after I had a huge disappointment.
“You gotta get busy. It’s good to be busy. Stanley and I went to the mall yesterday and we saw some blue plates. And I said to him we don’t need plates but we’re here and even though we have plenty of plates we gotta stay busy and the plates were nice so we bought the plates. We can get rid of the old plates. Or we can keep all the plates. It will keep us busy. New plates will be nice. And it’s good for us to go to the mall even if we don’t need a thing because if you are not busy you think too much. So, get going. Do something. Stay busy.”
Your friends will advise. “Forget him. Get out there. He was never good enough for you anyway. (Actually, they were right on that one) Stop moping around the house. Get going!”
Your spiritual counselor says, “Everyone has loss. It is part of life. Put it behind you. Move on.”
What about doing nothing for a while? Spending some time alone.
Your part in this is to stop talking about it. The world is a weird place. Years ago, when there was a death in the family, you were allowed to wear black and grieve for a year.
No more. We get about two minutes and that’s it. Over and out. Done. Life goes on.
This is your formal permission to do nothing at all until you are ready. To sit in your chair in the living room and watch the political news and that’s it. Or stare at the ceiling.
Tell all your friends you finally got inspired and are writing the great American novel and are completely immersed in it and you have no time for them for a while.
People understand obsession. They will forgive you if they think you are “busy” doing something! It makes them feel better.
Then, retreat. Healing does not come all at once. Your neurological system is in tatters. You are out of gas and have four flat tires.
The old adage that “time heals” is true. You will adjust. But it is very hard to do if everyone is pushing you.
And if you happen to find some blue plates along the way that you don’t need, buy them.
Blue plates are a nice change of scenery and will keep you busy.
Wouldn’t you like some new plates?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes please. Blue plates. Send them FedEx. Then leave me alone. I’ve got some sorting of plates to do.
Michelle Vandepas´s last blog ..Life Purpose In One Sitting?
I’m looking. I’m looking. Blue plates are hard to find.
Will send soon Michelle.
BTW I did not make up that conversation. It is true. (how could I?)
Good post. Tomorrow my current “day job” ends so your get busy advice is timely. This morning I spent two full hours planning and filling my calendar with useful things to do. Now I need to just do it.
Birney Summers´s last blog ..Energy Tax Credits Are Available for Your Home
Dear Birney -
Congratulations on ending your “day job.” Hope it was something you wanted – and not someone else’s idea.
I promise if you do nothing too useful for a while, you will start to like it.
Except for blogging. We do need you to continue that.
Otherwise, have you considered on demand TV? So many free movies you missed while you were a worker on a day job.
The hardest thing for me is to stop asking myself every night -
“What did you do that was productive today?”
Sometimes, nothing is a great answer.
Looking forward to hearing how you like it. Good luck, Birney!
This is a great subject and thanks for bringing it up Corinne. What works for me in any of those situations that are painful is to remind myself that I co-created it and I did it for my benefit somehow. That way I can start to look for the blessing in it. That doesn’t mean the pain goes away right away, but it does ease it until it’s gone.
But that’s difficult or painful “situations”. When it comes to the death of a loved one…all bet’s are off so to speak. You just get through it the best you can. There were times that I would be just fine and the next moment I would have to pull over to the side of the road because I was crying so hard. But it did ease. I can now remember without the tears.
Corinne, when you write about these matters, I always feel comforted even though I’m not in pain. Like eating a tasty treat when I’m not really hungary. Just for the Joy of it. Your Posts are always a “Treat” to me.
Sharon
Sharon Beck´s last blog ..Un-Sendable Post
Hi Corinne, I think one of the reasons people carry so much baggage is because they never took time to unpack. Distractions are no substitute for the grieving process. It’s just an avoidance technique.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..Optimism and the Spirit of Renewal
Corinne,
Great post! I agree that staying busy is really a distraction from dealing with your feelings and needs. A lot of people stay busy because they can’t handle dealing with “stuff”.
I use the excuses that I have student appointments and when I don’t, I’m writing a new series for one of my blogs or that I’m back working on that book I’ve been talking about. My friends get my post notices on facebook and think I’m a work-a-holic. They don’t have the ability to pick a topic and write 3-4 pages on it on demand.
That honors English/Western Civilization course I took my freshman year in college was worth it. We had a paper due every week and a 10 page term paper due each semester, plus essay exams. At first it was hell because I wasn’t used to producing that much that fast. After I learned how to do it, it became easy. Now my problem is I can’t keep anything short.
I have a very dear friend who has been in at least 7 relationships in the past 5 years. She is now in number 8. Every time she says she’s going to take some time and be alone, she meets somebody and starts dating them. Her idea of time alone seems to be 1-2 months. I wonder how long this one will last and what will cause it to end…I always hope she’s found someone she can really be happy with, but she has a really bad track record. She doesn’t like to deal with drama, and if you don’t deal with your relationship drama you won’t have the relationship too long.
I’ve been in one relationship in the past 10 years that lasted about 3 months. I am not into being in a relationship to not be alone. I like being alone. I get to do all kinds of things I wouldn’t get to do unless my partner was a total geek like me.
My idea of fun is watching politics either on the news or sometimes I just watch CSPAN, I also love the Science Channel, and I like mowing and working in the yard. I’m currently reading “A Briefer History of Time”, the revised edition I found in the library when I was perusing the quantum physics shelf. It’s an updated edition of “A Brief History of Time” by Steven Hawking. I started reading that right after I finished all the Batman comic books the library has. I want to read “Y: The Last Man” but the library only has 3 issues, and they aren’t the first 3. If I want to read that series, I’ll have to buy it. Next I plan to read “The Watchmen”, then “Ironman”. After that, I hope they get in some new comic books or I’ll have to delve much farther into the Marvel and DC universes. I refuse to read Japanese Manga, though I may read Dragonball and Dragonball Z. I liked those when they made them into anime shows. I don’t like the way most stories are written. If anyone has a suggestion on Manga that isn’t like most Manga, please let me know.
Sometimes I get out the math, chemistry or physics books and work through a chapter. When I finish a book I plan to publish a complete solutions manual to each of them, not one of those selected problems manuals that never helped anyone figure anything out.
I watch and listen to political podcasts. I read stuff that gets dropped into my Google reader account. I write on my blogs. I cook (my son eats like a horse). I play with my dogs. I don’t clean the house unless I can’t stand it anymore.
If I ever find someone who understands that I need my space and loves that I’m an obsessed dork who likes to discuss health policy, the AfPak war, quantum theory and chemistry’s laws of thermodynamics along with world history, literature, and cartoons and comic books, I’ll snatch them up on the spot. But until then, I’ve decided not to settle. I have too many things I want to stare at the ceiling about to waste time on people I don’t really want to be with. My son loves quantum theory and politics, too, poor kid!
If I buy blue plates I’ll have to put the china back in the china cabinet. Or I could put the blue plates in the china cabinet and continue using my china. Will I have to learn to cook blue plate specials?
When I got married I asked for china that was tough enough to use every day and that would go in the dishwasher. I didn’t ask for fine china, I asked for really nice everyday china that looks like fine china. It used to sit in the china cabinet and get pulled out for company and holidays, but when my ex-husband moved out he took the everyday dishes so he would have dishes. I decided to use the china. Why not? It’s perfectly good and tough as nails. The everyday dishes didn’t hold up like this stuff does. It’s Lenox Chinastone, BTW, if anyone is in the market for nice everyday china that can double as the good stuff.
I don’t go for the stay busy thing. It doesn’t help. It prolongs the pain and adds to your baggage. Who needs that? Dishes are much easier to carry around.
Sherri
Being the Change I Wish to See´s last blog ..Ugandan kill-the-gays bill part 5: State Dept must make US policy clear
Dear Sharon -
This is such a beautiful statement. You are my mentor!
“What works for me in any of those situations that are painful is to remind myself that I co-created it and I did it for my benefit somehow. That way I can start to look for the blessing in it”
I want to grow up just like you.
As always, Sherri, your comments are an article in itself.
I am watching your new series. Quite an undertaking. So well written.
People don’t mind reading long posts if they are done expertly like yours.
That English class taught you well.
I liked this -
“I don’t go for the stay busy thing. It doesn’t help. It prolongs the pain and adds to your baggage. Who needs that? Dishes are much easier to carry around.”
I have to think about being busy too. If I don’t have a project, I am very unhappy.
Thanks, Sherri, for your outstanding support of me. I consider you a dear friend besides.
Jonathan – everyone should print this out and put it on their refrigerator to read every day.
“I think one of the reasons people carry so much baggage is because they never took time to unpack. Distractions are no substitute for the grieving process. It’s just an avoidance technique.”
Great wisdom in that statement.