ARGUMENT FOR ONE - How to win
It’s 2 AM and you are in a big argument.
It started with –
“Who do you think you are?”
or
“You have some nerve!”
or
“You can’t talk to me like that!”
or
“You can take this relationship and shove it!”
One thing is missing. The person you are arguing with is not there. They are probably having a peaceful night.
This is an argument for one in your head.
You need to turn it off but you can’t. You need to get up early but you can’t stop. The clock is ticking. It is now 3 AM.
OK. This is advice you don’t want to hear. Get out of bed. Nothing is going to improve or be solved with you turning and tossing in the dark and reviewing and reviewing the offenses in your head.
Get a yellow pad and a pen. Go into the living room and close the drapes. You don’t want your neighbors to see this crazed person in pajamas with that wild mop of hair.
Sit down and write out your mad. Curse. Use every bit of profanity you’ve ever heard. Tell them off. You don’t deserve this type of treatment. You are mad. Don’t worry about punctuation. Every grievance must be poured out on that paper. Groggy and exhausted as you are - write and write and write for fifteen or twenty minutes without stopping. This is not a letter. This is an exorcism.
It could also be a review of a confrontation you’ve already had. In that case, write all the “I should have said’s” down.
It’s almost 4 AM now. You are exhausted.
It’s time to get back into bed. You’ll probably be able to sleep now. You have it all down on paper. You have won the argument.
A few morning rules:
1. Do not reread what you wrote.
2. Under no conditions are you to mail the letter.
3. Destroy the paper. Tear it up and throw it in the garbage. Or burn it.
4. Make a firm resolve that you will never have an argument with a person not present again.
Today you will make some decisions. No one is worth that much free rent in your head.
Tonight you will sleep like a baby.
Brava!!! Brava!!!! Brava!!!!! Brilliant. How did you know that this is the exact scenario I have been running through my mind for days? - and I AM smart enough to get up and write it down - only I didn’t last night, but I will this afternoon. I needed this nudge. I have just finished a 50 year relationship and I did not say what I wanted to in person so of course it keep rewinding in my head - BUT NOW I have the solution. Write it - write it all and I mean all - and then have the little burning ceremony in the kitchen sink - (don’t set the house on fire as I have almost done before) - and Corinne, you are so right - no one is worth that much rent in my head. Or as Gandhi said - “I do not allow anyone to walk through my mind in their dirty shoes”.
Your blog is about personal growth and everytime I get one of your insightful blogs, I grow personally. period.
Good luck, Jocelyn, with your getting rid of your free rent tenant.
Sometimes, it takes work because they don’t want to leave.
But, there is always an eviction notice to fall back on!
Your webcites are always provocative and stimulating. When I can’t take time to read them, I save them for when I do have time. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for hanging out with me, Reed!
If you go to the right hand side of my blog there is a little notation called “Articles”
That will bring up most of my articles in the past month or so at least. You can pick and choose from that.
Then you don’t have to “save” them.
But the main thing is - Keep coming back!
Corinne - Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have just spent over 2 hours going thru old cards, letters and pictures from this free-rent tenant and have had enormous pleasure in shredding them. First I did the writing that we spoke about in an earlier comment and then burned the papers (more than I thought) and luckily, did not set the kitchen on fire. That ends their “dirty shoes” in my mind. Now of course, I go in … wondering why I put up with all that bullying and abuse for so many years - call it what it was — bullying.
It is a process getting them out of our lives and not to be done in one day, however, it gets easier each day. It will NOT happen again to this lady!!
You certainly are a miracle.
Whew! Sounds like it is time to kick back and have a nice glass of wine.
Congratulations!
You have won the argument, Jocelyn
Dear Corinne,
I wish I had known that”don’t mail it part” when I wrote that nasty letter to my sister. The result was disasterous. I realize now that some things are better not shared. No one is going to own up to their mistakes…it’s always “the other person’s fault.” Anger is never the way to approach hurt.I needed to be reminded at that moment when ACIM said “see that person in the light doing the best thing they could do at the time.” (not a perfect quote).
Sending Love,
Sondra
Sondra my dear,
You wrote the first letter. I am sure it was sent at a time of great stress in the family.
Perhaps you can consider writing another. Not necessarily saying that you are sorry - but that you are sorry it happened.
If either one of you - your sister or you - dies - the one who is left will be crying their eyes out at the funeral.
This ia a waste of your life and hers.
Think about it. Who will take the first step?
Will it be you?
Love,
Corinne
Sondra, You arelucky you even have a sister — mine disappeared in 1978 and we only heard from her once. Just write from your heart and soul… never mind your head or your “pride”.
Love is the answer.
Wow, this is a good article…
I’ve been there before and instead of not sending the letter, or this case, an email, I actually sent it and hurt a goood, good friend in the process. I thought that by letting her know what I felt, about a pain that was caused by one of her actions against me, she would understand my pain, but it only made her feel worse about a the situation and our friendship grew apart since then.
Hi Corinne,
I did this exact thing at a Women’s Retreat earlier in the year - think a bunch of women who had never met singing in the forest and scaring all of the birds out of the trees - only we had a ceremonial burining of our letters on the beach. It was magic. All the angst melted away and even though many of us were still hurting, we all tossed ourselves into the cold ocean anyway! Great way to mark the occasion and start the cleansing process.
Thanks for the reminder
S.
Hi Simone -
Thanks for dropping in to see me in Chicago all the way from Perth, Australia.
It is a beautiful city. I have been there.
Love the visual of your all of you tossing yourselves into a cold ocean. Brrrr.
You have a great blog!
Come back soon!
Warmly,
Corinne
Dear DJinHouston -
Sometimes, the email is to be sent. But not until it has simmered in your mind for a few days.
At that point, you will take out all the accusations and just state the way you feel.
At that point, you may even be ready for a face to face nice talk.
I bet there is not ONE person out there who is not re-living a similar situation. You know, even if they are dead, and maybe because they are dead — you can really write the letter.
and then burn it - those pagans really knew their stuff - the catholics copied it…. burning it and then returning it to the love of the universe. I have even floated mine down a rushing mountain stream in the state where I was born.
Cleansing and cathartic. and if done right - the pain does not return.
I would say most of my confrontational conversations go on in my head. I have that whole People Pleaser disease. But luckily, I’ve been working on it and taking the “bold” steps to speak up for myself on occasion instead of staying up far too late talking to the mirror. Thanks for another insightful article, Corrine!
Jocelyn, thank you for sharing the Ghandi quote. That’s perfect!
Nice one! I live in my head a great deal. So when I get angry, it does keep me up nights. Writing it out, then burning or flushing the letter is the best ever advice. Thanks!