GOT THE GUTS TO GET A DATE? – Internet Personals

by Corinne on August 28, 2010

IS IT TIME FOR YOU TO TRY THE INTERNET DATING SERVICES?

It is getting harder and harder to meet anyone except on the Internet.  I know some dating gurus suggest joining clubs, political groups, and your church – even trolling supermarkets.  All good suggestions.

The older ways of meeting someone in a bar or a club is out of fashion these days.  Many of us do not frequent those establishments. And anyone there might not fit our goal of a long term romantic partner.

There is the other argument I hear.  If your soul mate is supposed to show up, he or she will find you.   I’m not disputing that either.  But I am also a firm believer that the good Lord helps those who help themselves.  I don’t think UPS will deliver that person to your front door and even if they do, you might not be home to sign for them.

RULE ONE:

You have to put your picture in the ad.  I know, you want to remain anonymous but you will get no answers if you don’t display your picture.

Look at it this way.  No one is going to pay to be on the dating site if they are not looking.  If you don’t know how to scan and upload a picture, ask one of your techie friends to do it for you.

Put on a recent, nice, smiley picture with no one else in it.  No, not even your dog.  You can mention you love dogs in your description. And nothing sexy.  You’ll send the wrong message to some nut out there.

RULE TWO:

People will search the site by age group.  Like 30 to 40.  40 to 50 and so on.  If your age falls over by a year or two, LIE.  Get in the lower group because they are all lying – by at least five years. You can plead insanity and tell the truth later.  Remember to write down the year you put in the ad because you will forget.

RULE THREE:

Describe yourself as briefly as possible.  What you want to do is stress what you are looking for in a relationship. Tell the truth here.

I can’t tell you how many personal ads I have written for friends – and myself.  It has been interesting to see the results.  And I have a few success stories.  Two engagements, one marriage (Okay, they divorced – but it still counts)

Here’s an ad I wrote for a friend as an example.  Steal part of it or the format if you like it but make it your own.

Pretty, petite, blue-eyed blond, DWF,  funny, nice, adventurous and can be sophisticated if required.  My friends tell me I am good company.

I am seeking one 40ish-50ish man who is healthy, unattached and available.  He is probably more spiritual than religious.  At home, he wants a comfortable environment and values mutual support.

It would be nice if he is gregarious but also craves quiet time and shares some of my likes:  Books, interesting cities, nice restaurants, a country place, laughing, opera, cooking, bargain hunting, oceans and  mountains –  just hanging out with friends and family and easy conversation.

Sounds like a nice person?  She is and she got and still gets lots of inquires.

Notice I did not mention the words that have become a cliché –

PLEASE OMIT –

Like ethnic restaurants, flea markets, long walks (worse if you add in the rain) snuggling by a fireplace, comfortable in jeans or a formal, etc. etc. etc. These are in almost every ad.

You might also avoid people who answer you and say that they like these things.  Sounds like a broke, couch potato to me.  Probably none of them have a fireplace or worn formal dress since their sister got married ten years ago.

There are mixed views on revealing things that make you sound too important.  People say that if you are a doctor, professional or have advanced degrees, it will put people off.

I remember Maureen Dowd’s quote when she won the Pulitzer.  She said, “I’ll never get a date again!”

My feeling is if they can’t take it, tough.

You decide.  Maybe the information should be reserved until you actually have a telephone conversation or later if it turns into an actual date.

HAVE YOU BEEN TEMPTED TO TAKE THE PLUNGE?

OK  LET’S GO.

You have posted your profile and picture on the dating website.  Probably you have chosen one of the big sites like Match.com, Yahoo Personals or JDate.com if your preference is for a Jewish match.   The small sites are nice and sometimes more targeted but you will get answers from all over the country and not from where you are.

SOME ADVICE FROM ME AND MY MANY FRIENDS WHO HAVE REPORTED THEIR EXPERIENCE.

First – You do not have to answer everyone who contacts you.  If you have no interest, just ignore the contact, or on most sites, you can block the person from contacting you again if they get persistent.  Remember, they have no idea who you are so don’t worry. Every contact is just through the site you are using so they don’t have your private email address.

Second – If the person looks like a possibility, you might want to write them a short cordial note and ask them for more information if their profile does not include things you’d like to know about.  Be nice.  Remember?  You said you were nice.

Be friendly and answer their questions if not too personal but do not give them your whole name, your contact information or your private email address.

This advice is not to alarm you, but remember you are going out into cyberspace to thousands of people.  Most of them are sincere in meeting a nice person but there are bound to be some characters out there.

Okay.  You found someone you might want to know.  After a few emails back and forth on the site, you might want to talk on the telephone.  Ask for their telephone number and a good time for you to call.

If you call them on your land line, find out how to block your number from their caller ID.  It’s usually something like putting in *67 before you dial.  Call your telephone server to advise you what the code is in your area.  You might have the same function on your cell phone. Check it.

In the meantime, do a search on the site and see if there is anyone else who interests you.  Send them a note.  On some sites, they have a feature call “wink.”   That will bring the person’s attention to your profile.  Don’t be shy.  This is supposed to be fun.

The site will also tell you when the person was last on line.  If it is a long time ago, unless they look fantastic, skip it.  They probably have met someone.  The best ones to contact are on often and recently.  They are active lookers.

Third – FIRST DATE!  Please don’t make it for dinner.  It could be an interminable two hours and you can’t get away.  Make it for coffee or a drink and meet the person in a public place.  Drive your own car.  Make sure you tell them you have an appointment right afterwards.  If turns out to be the person of your dreams – you’ll just “cancel the appointment.”

Don’t think you have to limit yourself to one person.  Pretend you are in high school.  Unless you were going steady, you dated different people.  Go and meet others.  This is an experiment so have a good time with it.  I can remember having a date a couple of times a week when I was really into this.  Make notes after the date so you don’t get them mixed up.  Remember the person you met is probably doing the same thing.  Everybody is shopping around.

One question I get asked a lot – who pays?  My rule is the person who asks for the date.  Later, if you get close, you can negotiate and share things if they are expensive. I like to cook, so if someone I was seeing always paid for dinner, I would reciprocate by preparing a meal at my house for us if I was really interested.

But if on the first date they ask to split the check, scratch that one.  It is rude. Especially, if it is just for coffee or a drink.  A cheapskate you don’t need.

I know you will meet some nice people – even if they turn out to just be friends.

And I wish you luck with doing better than that – meeting your soul mate.

If you get discouraged along the way, remember the song from Cabaret – you can hum it along with me.

What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret!

THE MODERN CABARET IS THE INTERNET.

WHEN WILL YOU GIVE IT A TRY?

If you have already tried it, please add your tips in the comments.  All are welcome.  We need your feedback.

A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN

Click here to BUY IT NOW AT AMAZON

On sale!

See interview with Corinne here

A Woman Without A Man -  Forward by James Kavanaugh

Picture by Boston Bill

{ 9 comments }

A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN – Introduction – what it’s all about

by Corinne on August 22, 2010

INTRODUCTION

This book seems to be about a middle-aged widow making the adjustment to single life.  But it isn’t.  Not really.

Although it opens just after my husband’s death, it is not about grieving.  He had been ill for many years and had suffered so much, my grief was almost all used up by the time he left. Although I missed him and was lonely and disoriented, it was a relief to let him go to a place where there was no more pain.

This is about women. Single women who are also perhaps mothers, friends, credit card jugglers, carpoolers, entrepreneurs, lovers, workers, gardeners, even grandmothers.

In short, women who are trying to be everything to everybody and still have a life.

I know there are some serenely, happily coupled women out there who do all of the above and do it well. If you are one of them, I don’t want to exclude you. You never know when you might need a reference guide to what it’s really like out there as a single woman. And male readers? Sure. Come along. It wouldn’t hurt for you to learn something about how women really think.

But this for those of us who talk self-sufficiency but are furtively casting about for that guy who will defend the entrance to our cave. With all of our bravado, we are still whistling in the dark to keep ourselves safe.

And no matter how successful we are, how many clothes we collect, how many pedicures we pay for, how many trips we take, how interesting our jobs, we cringe when we hear the question

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Our secret is that we feel deficient without a man.We are apologetic to our families for being single.We give reasons and excuses to our friends (there’s NOBODY out there). We put pieces of our lives on hold until “he” comes along.

I wasn’t aware of how prevalent this kind of thinking is until my husband died. I had been married for quite a while.

This book did not start out as a collection of letters and poetry. I wrote the prologue poem, “You only get a minute./The stone has not been set/before you hear the question/‘Are you seeing someone yet?’” just for fun.

I could not believe that people were asking me a question like that almost immediately after my husband’s death. It made me frantic. Panicky! Desperate. I had to replace this man. Plug up the hole. And I mean NOW. Don’t think I am exaggerating when you read that on one sleepless night, at 3 AM., I was counting how many men I knew whose wives were sick and were likely to die soon.Who could admit to such a shameless thing?  But you see, I didn’t know you were going to be reading this. I was writing for me. Kind of an exorcism. Poetry is the way I get my feelings out.

The poems grew and grew. One day I shared them with my friend Arlene. She said, “Make a book. The poems tell the inside story. Tell what is happening on the outside in your everyday life.” She suggested that I share my journey in letters because everyone is an eavesdropper at heart.

And there is something exciting about receiving letters. E-mail and the telephone just aren’t the same.

So Arlene is to blame for this whole thing.

Will this book change your life? Are there big answers for you here?  Probably not. If you are looking for a how-to book or life-changing strategies, you won’t find them here. I promise you if I discover something pivotal, I’ll let you know.

This book is one woman’s story—my story— entwined with family, friends, lovers, and assorted dropins. A voyage from numbness to rebirth and from confusion to some clarity—with a lot of detours. Addresses and some names have been changed and events have been altered to protect privacy. But what I found, and what you might find here, is the awareness that women, no matter what age, situation, or color, are more alike than different.

There is some comfort in that.

The inspirational books we read make a thunderous announcement: No thing and no one outside us can save us. Not even a soul mate. Serenity and peace cannot be found except in our own hearts. That realization is our ultimate target. But most of us are not there yet.

Glimpses—even epiphanies—come and then seem to vanish on this roller-coaster ride we signed up for. However, in between the hairpin turns and the high skydives, it’s helpful to know where we are going.

If there is one message in this book, it is this: The most powerful instrument women have is our intuitive talent for nurturing, whether in our homes or our businesses.

We must broaden our vistas to include more women. We need to help each other more. This is not a rally to exclude men. Bless them.We need them. But we could steal a page or two from their good ol’ boy network manual.

Our experience can support a new mother who is determined to nurse a baby successfully. Our wisdom can mentor a woman who is challenged with a personal or career decision.  A favor done at just the right time can make all the difference. In many instances, being present and listening are enough.

The best thing about talking to girlfriends is that we permit each other’s difficulties to remain unresolved.

Even if we say, “Why don’t you quit that job?” or, “Get rid of that jerk,” we allow each other the option of taking no action on a problem. Ultimately we know what to do. We appreciate direction but don’t need advice. We just need someone to hear us out.

So now, after saying that, I am going to give you some advice. No matter what your situation this minute,  you can survive whatever heartbreak and loneliness you are feeling today. What they say about time healing wounds is true.

But how much time you need is up to you and not some psychological calendar. It takes as long as it takes.

I can’t tell you at which point I started turning into myself, but it did and still is happening. It can’t be hurried. Don’t let anyone tell you when.

And if there is a right person—a soul mate—I believe he will show up at the perfect time, which is somehow not determined by us.

We just have to follow our intuition and be alert to what is around the next bend on the roller coaster.

Neale Donald Walsch, in his beautiful book , Conversations with God, recounts that the most important question we can ask in any situation is “What would love do now?” I have those words taped on my computer screen. That guidance holds up under most circumstances.

Remember to include your own happiness and welfare when you answer that question.

Some famous authors were kind enough to give me endorsements for my book. I am grateful. But comments from women, ordinary people like you and me, are also encouraging. Linda, who is thirty-eight, said, “It’s all here. I laughed. I cried.” Dawn, twenty-nine, wrote, “I could not put this book down.” And Susan, forty-eight, called to say, “I thought you had been reading my mail!” Different ages. Different situations.  We are all writing the same story.

Thanks for listening to my story. You may find some of your mail here. I hope it will make you know you are not alone.

My mother’s favorite expression was “In the light of all Eternity, most things don’t matter.” She was probably right but the events in our lives sure feel important today.

Even if things don’t really matter, go for the gold anyway!

Every way you can. And every day.

You are a beautiful, extraordinary woman—with or without a man. And you have a unique contribution to make to yourself and to your world.

Click here to BUY IT NOW AT AMAZON

(200 pages to go!)

On sale!

See interview with Corinne here

A Woman Without A Man -  Forward by James Kavanaugh

Picture by Mandie

{ 6 comments }

THE SECRET – How’s that workin’ for ya?

It is still all about The Secret. Yep, it has not faded.
I still hear people talking about setting an event in their minds.  Concentrating on it with all their might.
Then seeing themselves with their heart’s desire.
THEN WAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN.
When I ask what they have done to make it happen, I get a blank [...]

Read the full article →

YARO AND PERSONAL GROWTH – Welcome to Woo-Woo

Well, we saw it coming.  Changes to our favorite hippy tech expert  on the Internet. Yaro Starak.  He is tipping his toe into personal growth.
First, his post a few years ago – a hint.  It was called The Key to Happiness. But just a glimmer.
Then other little things.  The new house, car, the trip around [...]

Read the full article →

HANDLING COMPLAINTS – A NECESSARY EVIL

The world is full of complainers and sometimes the only thing we want to do is ignore them.
But there is a flip side of the subject and that is handling complaints.
These are the people who have become difficult because they think they have been wronged in some way.  These people are our obligation because [...]

Read the full article →

A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN – Corinne Edwards

I was deeply touched by this book.  It brought me to smiles and it brought me to tears.  Most of all, it brought me to the truth of how real people live real life.  I cannot remember being so moved.  This book is a wonderful gift and your life will be enriched by reading it.  [...]

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries